Monday, November 1, 2010

selfish thoughts

I have 6 days left until my due date.  Sunday, November 7th is the date we've been given.  Of the 6 girls (including myself) that I know who are/were due right around me, 2 went into labor several days early, one is being induced (today!), another is 10 days late (ugh!), and one isn't due until the 14th (nothing yet).

I'm praying that this week will be the week.  Preferably in the next 2 days.  I'm tired of being pregnant.  My patience for anyone other than Travis (and Ellie) is fairly low.  My hips hurt.  My back hurts.  The house is organized and ready for guests.  My mom flies into OKC this Friday, Travis' parents are arriving sometime on Sunday, my dad flies in the 14th.  It would, honestly, be great to have a day or two alone with our new arrival before the craziness of grandparents arrive. 

I'm a control freak.  I like things done a certain way.  I like my dishes washed a certain way, I like my dishwasher loaded a certain way, I like things to be picked up before I go to bed, I like my laundry routine, I don't like sharing my bathroom, I like to vacuum at least twice a week, I like sitting around in my pj's all day if I feel like it, I like being needed by Travis, I like snuggling with Ellie on the sofa, I like a quiet house during the day (no TV).

Needless to say, the next few weeks are going to be difficult for me with family around.  We never thought this moment would exist for us.  We never thought natural children were in God's plans for our lives.  He proved us wrong.  We are so thankful.  I want to hold on to my baby boy and never let him go.  I want to be the one to fulfill all his needs.  Of course I will be that person, but over the next month with family coming and going, I have to share.  I don't want to share.  I want to be selfish.  This is my moment to be a mom.  A moment I thought I'd never get

I'm ready for the changes that this baby will bring to our home.  I say this now (but probably won't necessarily mean it in a few weeks), but I'm excited to wake up in the middle of the night for feedings and diaper changes.  I can't wait to snuggle my little boy throughout the day.  I can't wait to be the one to console my son.  I can't wait for Travis to come home from work after a long day to find refuge in his son.  I can't wait to take pictures of my boy.  I can't wait to start new family traditions.

My thoughts are selfish.  I know.  Maybe it's the hormones.  But I can't help how I feel.  I know I need to give up some control and gratefully accept help from those that are willing to give it.  But I like to do things myself.  That's just me.  My family will have to be just as patient with me as I will with them. 


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